omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
