I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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