At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
