I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Randomize
