Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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