When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
