haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
