Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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