I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
operation have a gay friend backfired
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
