mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
