I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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