My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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