So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
