just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
