I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
