Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
a search helicopter?!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
