So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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