Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I deserve this hangover.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
