Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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