Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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