I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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