Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
