so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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