Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
