I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
