I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
