woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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