ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
