he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
