I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
