He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
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two words: eviction party
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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