I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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