Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
