I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Watching her eat just hurts me
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
