thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
