God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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