Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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