So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
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