I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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