nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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