I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
