even my farts smell like vagina
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
