Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
