Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
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Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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