But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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