did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
