i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
