life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
