I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
