I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
