The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
