Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
