The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
