Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
