im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
