My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
