For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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